92: Non-negotiables in Relationships

Foundations of Non-Negotiables:

• Non-negotiables are essential boundaries influenced by upbringing and experiences.
• They range from major (e.g., dishonesty) to minor (e.g., sharing passwords) and are not open for discussion.
• Common non-negotiables: trust, respect, shared values, and views on children.
• Understanding your non-negotiables is crucial before entering a relationship to communicate effectively.

Communicating Non-Negotiables:

• Discuss non-negotiables clearly and early to avoid painful outcomes.
• Effective communication fosters mutual respect and accountability.
• Tips for early discussions include expressing intentions and casually mentioning future goals.
• Use "I-feel" statements and explore values behind opinions during tough conversations.

Navigating Conflicts Around Non-Negotiables:

• Clashes are inevitable; understanding the importance of each non-negotiable is key.
• Clear communication and willingness to understand differing viewpoints can help.
• Evaluate if a compromise is possible or if it's better to part ways.

Seeking professional guidance can assist in resolving conflicts based on values.

Call to action: Self-knowledge exercise! Identify 2 possible non-negotiables in your relationship (if you’re in one) or in yourself. Ask yourself why each of those non-negotiables is important to you - where did it come from? How important is it to you? Is it valued in your current relationship? How should I communicate this to a partner?

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Chapters

• 3:21 Topic 1: Foundations of non-negotiables
• 14:46 Topic 2: Communicating non-negotiables
• 25:39 50: Relationship Communication with Self & Others
• 25:58 Topic 3: Navigating Conflicts Around Non-negotiables

Transcript

Brief Summary of objectives (3):

o   Educate listeners on the importance of identifying and honoring their relationship non-negotiables.

o   Empower individuals to communicate their boundaries effectively in romantic relationships.

o   Equip couples with strategies to navigate conflicts and align their values while respecting non-negotiables.

Topic 1: Foundations of non-negotiables 

o   What is non-negotiable? 

• a boundary or expectation that is absolutely vital to a person
•  often developed because of parental teaching or modeling, life experiences, especially traumas
•  they can be big or small (ex: dishonesty is not tolerated vs. partners should share phone passwords)
• Non-negotiables are not open for discussion or change and they cannot be up for discussion. 

o   the most common non-negotiables in relationships 

• Trust, honestly, Transparency: always tell the truth
  •  specific: we will remain faithful to each other
•  Respect: you will treat me this way and speak to me this way
  • specific: you will not hit/abuse me, you will speak respectfully of me to your friends
•  Shared Values: we share a similar faith/spiritual background, we value family or community, etc.
  •  specific: we will go to church together; we will spend X amount of time out with friends or having people in our home and X amount of time to ourselves
• Views on Kids: do you want children?
  •  specific: kids - yes, or no? I plan to raise my kids this way, educate them that way, teach them these things

o   Why knowing your non-negotiables before entering a relationship matters

•  If you don’t know yourself, how can you communicate these things to your partner? 
• you need to know yourself, your expectations, and what you need before you try to have that conversation with a relationship partner
  •  especially early in relationships, we like to try to please our partners, and we are more likely to “give in” to another’s opinions/needs if we aren’t firmly grounded in our own
• Know your values - what is truly a nonnegotiable for you and what is merely strong preference? 
• The non-negotiables for self-have been to refer to the personal values, boundaries, and habits that you consider essential and will not compromise on. This is important to know before you get into a romantic partnership.
  •  Physical health: this is your regular exercise 
  • Mental health: managing your stress 
  • personal boundaries: respecting your own time and space 
  • continuous learning: seeking knowledge  
  • positive relationships: supporting connection with loved ones 
  •  financial stability: managing your financial responsibility 
  • meaningful work: pursuing a career that helps align a passion  
•  Self-respect is an important impact of having a non-negotiable to help you demonstrate self-worth and respect your own needs 
• Clarity is helpful when you are aligned with your values 
• Resilience can help you with your strong personal boundaries that help you navigate through challenging situations. 

Topic 2: Communicating non-negotiables  

o   Discuss them CLEARLY and discuss them EARLY 

•  the longer you wait, the more painful the outcome might be
•  The principles and expectations that are important in your communication are very important to your sanity. 
• Communication in your non-negotiables are to help with mutual respect, honesty, open-mindedness, effective communication, dealing with conflict directly, and being able to be held accountable. 

o   Tips for discussing non-negotiables early in a relationship

•  “I like you, and I like the idea of our relationship going someplace. There are important to me, and I’m sure you have things that are important to you, too. Can we talk about those?”
•  Drop thoughts in casual conversation (“I dream about doing XYZ with my kids one day,” etc.)
• Be sure you have identified what is important to you, identify the values, and it might be helpful to write your values out to make them visible.  

o   Strategies for navigating tough conversations down the line:

• Using “I-feel” statements to reduce defensiveness
• Set the tone for constructive dialogue by communicating calmly and respectfully
• Listen and explore values behind the opinions - why is this a nonnegotiable for you?
  • a values exploration can determine whether this is truly a nonnegotiable, a strong preference, or even a defensive mechanism that might need to be examined
•  Expect that the conversation might be tough!

Topic 3: Navigating Conflicts Around Non-negotiables 

o   What happens when non-negotiables clash?

•  ouch! 
• back to the values exploration - why is this important to me? To you? Is there room for movement here or not?
• Unexpected clashes can lead to serious hurt in a relationship.
•  Important to remember that clash is inevitable: partners will always find conflict in some area of their relationship, much of which is perennial
  • the nature of the clash is what is important
•  Be sure you come back to some clear communication try to openly create discuss and the early you can have clear communication 
• See if you are able to see the other person's point of view when a clash happens for better understanding. 

o   Tips for identifying whether a compromise is possible or if it’s time to walk away.

•  values exploration
•  How important is this to us? 
•  Am I able to feel safe/content if I compromise on this? Will my partner? 
•  Does this harm me or my family?
• Is it more important for me to stand firm on this or to preserve my relationship? 

o   Always an option to seek professional guidance to resolve value-based conflicts - therapy!

Call to action: Self-knowledge exercise! Identify 2 possible non-negotiables in your relationship (if you’re in one) or in yourself. Ask yourself why each of those non-negotiables is important to you - where did it come from? How important is it to you? Is it valued in your current relationship? How should I communicate this to a partner?