Stacked Intent

What are Boundaries and how can you create them?

Becca Stackhouse-Morson

Brief Summary of objectives:

  • What are boundaries?
  • Learn to identify our boundaries and those of others.
  • Working to establish and maintain boundaries in our relationships.


Call to action:  You are in control of the way that you relate to others, and you get to decide what kind of behavior you are willing to tolerate. Consider if some well-placed boundaries might inject some life and stability into your most important relationships, and make a plan for how to get there. 

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Introduction “Welcome to Stacked Intent, where we discuss and drop tips on how you are going to intentionally stack your life. I’m Becca Stackhouse-Morson – owner of Stacked Intent. Today, we’ll be talking about Boundaries with our co-host, Sarah. Let’s get started!” 

Brief Summary of objectives:

OBJECTIVE 1 - What are boundaries?

OBJECTIVE 2 - Learn to identify our boundaries and those of others.

OBJECTIVE 3 - Working to establish and maintain boundaries in our relationships.

Topic 1: What are boundaries?

Boundaries are hard, but necessary.

Healthy boundaries take and require us to have self-awareness. This is finding being in the spaces of hard to be clear with ourselves and passing it to others about expectations in certain areas. 

“Good fences make good neighbors”

“Mending Wall” by Robert Frost

…Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That wants it down…

Farmers and ranchers give us a really good way of visualizing boundaries from a plot and land management. 

boundaries are markers/lines/fences that we put in place to ensure that our relationships and ourselves are the healthiest they can be

What do boundaries look like? 

Boundaries can have two looks and if you lack the ability to have boundaries then you haven’t had the ability to set healthy boundaries and you are going to constantly be at the mercy of others by allowing others to tell you how you should think, act, and feel. This might mean that you are letting others dictate your time and energy. 

Signs to look for if you feel as though you are lacking in boundaries can look like:

A relationship is difficult or dramatic 

Decision making is challenging 

Are always a people pleaser

Guilt and anxiety follow you around

Might always find yourself tired

Always the victim of situations 

 

Now let’s really look at what boundaries look like. Boundaries is a word that has become such a normal part of the common vernacular that many can speak the word without having an in-depth understanding of what it means, what they look like, or how to build some of their own. Boundaries are great when given in a light of expectations, but it can bring an upset feeling to someone who hasn’t had them set before.  

Rigid [a paper plate]

hard boundaries as a form of protection/isolation

There are some relationships that you do need a rigid boundary. An example could be an abusive relationship from an ex, parents or friend. 

Diffuse [open sieve]

lack of boundaries as a form of currency (if I share this with them, maybe they will…)

permeable [coffee filter]

Keeping things in that should be in our life. 

different types of boundaries:

physical - property lines, territorial lines (my car, my clothes, my toys, etc.), personal space/body boundaries

this is one of the easiest to see and define

from a young age, children are aware of the concept of “mine” and “yours”

legal systems built around physical boundaries (state/county lines, country borders, property ownership, etc.) 

rigid boundary would be a concrete wall with razor wire on top, a diffuse boundary might have a decorative fence so low that you can easily step over it

can be easy to defend (because its visible)

emotional boundaries

safeguard and differentiate your own emotions and your right to those emotions

what differentiates you from someone else

creates a sense of safety and identity

differentiates between your responsibility over your own emotions/responses and delineates another’s responsibility over their own emotions

in other words, you are responsible for your feelings and emotions, and the other person is responsible for theirs

safeguards against oversharing - rigid boundaries share no vulnerability, diffuse boundaries share too much personal information too quickly

more difficult to defend and identify because it is intangible 

examples: I’d rather not discuss this topic with you. I don’t appreciate it when you speak to me this way; if you do not stop, I will leave. (an emotional and physical boundary)

sexual boundaries 

protect your right to consent, honest communication regards sexual preferences with a partner, and transparency about a partner’s sexual history and health

rigid boundary allows little to no sexual contact, diffuse boundary allows too much sexual contact too quickly to account for safety and security

examples: I’d rather not be touched like that; I have a policy of not having casual sex with someone.

spiritual boundaries

protect your right to worship, believe, and practice as you wish

examples: saying a silent prayer before a meal, going to church or temple even if your partner does not share your beliefs

time boundaries

protect your right to spend your time in a manner that is the healthiest for you and your family

examples: refusing to take work calls in the evenings, scheduling time with extended family so that the immediate family takes priority; asking/calling before coming over to someone else’s home is honoring of their time boundaries

non-negotiables

abuse, physical or sexual harm, financial freedoms, infidelity, safety, etc. 

relational boundaries

boundaries around the relationship

in-laws, work/home balance, outside friendships, etc.

structural hierarchies surrounding the relationship of the way your partner is build. 

relationship with partner vs parents or in-laws

time with partner vs friends

children vs partner 

Focusing on partner first, children second, and then fall in line of the rest of your relationships. 

boundaries within the relationship

sexual preferences, handling of finances, communication with each other, task division within the home, etc.

Where did they come from?

we learned where and when to establish boundaries based on both childhood and adult experiences

you might have strong financial boundaries if your family struggled financially when you were a child

trauma has an impact, as well

sexual and physical boundaries

abuse present, domestic violence, poor attachment, or parent-child conflicts can all contribute to the development of boundaries. 

Typically, if someone grew up in a healthy home they might have had flexible boundaries that allowed for each person's own unique interest and skills to develop into healthy boundary setting. 

The term boundaries started to become more popular in the 1990s throughout the psychology community as more books and research began to be produced. 

Topic 2: Learn to identify our boundaries and those of others.

One of the easiest ways to identify boundaries is to look for them in our own relationships first

A great first question to ask yourself is “Where might I need a boundary?” 

a good first step is to begin with a boundary exercise

imagine that you meet an acquaintance at the local coffee shop, and they greet you

how much distance would you want to keep between you?

would you hug? shake hands? nod politely?

what would you talk about? What would you NOT talk about?

now imagine that you meet a close friend at the coffee shop

how much distance would you want to keep between you?

would you hug? shake hands? nod politely?

what would you talk about? What would you NOT talk about?

your answers to those questions start to establish the shape of your boundaries

a polite nod to an acquaintance and a handshake to a friend are examples of different levels of a physical boundary

talking about your sister’s surgery to your friend but not the acquaintance is an example of differing levels of emotional boundary

a second step might be imagining what a boundary violation looks like

imagine that the acquaintance leaned in for a hug when you’d really prefer no physical contact

or the acquaintance talked for 10 minutes in graphic detail about their cousin’s mole removal

that icky feeling? an indicator that a boundary might be being violated!

A third step would be thinking about icky moments that have occurred recently in your relationships. These could be indicators that you have boundaries in place there that were violated.

your mother-in-law frequently asking your spouse to complete tasks/do work for her while your own home tasks are piling up (relational boundary)

your father dropping by the house without calling or asking first (physical boundary)

your spouse making a big purchase without consulting you first (financial and relational boundary)

a date groping you without your permission (sexual and physical boundary)

a friend asking about your marriage problems in front of other people (emotional and relational boundary)

a boss insisting that you answer his calls after work hours (time boundary)

if we go back to the fence’s metaphor, these are areas where there is a gap - some cows have gotten through and are trampling your crops.

Topic 3: Working to establish and maintain boundaries in our relationships.

once you've identified some gaps, now we can talk about what fence installation (and the fences) might look like

examples of boundaries that need tightening

your mother-in-law frequently asking your spouse to complete tasks/do work for her while your own home tasks are piling up 

Gentle

We are happy to help you as often as we can. However, we have some things we need to get done at home. 

I can’t do that for you this weekend, but I’d be glad to do that sometime later this month.

No, I’m not able to do that right now.

Firm

My family, our time together, and our home take priority over yours, Mom. When you insist on us doing these tasks for you, it creates difficulty for us. I’ve asked you to consider our needs, and your refusal to do so makes me feel as if you don’t consider me or my family’s needs a priority.

your father dropping by the house without calling or asking first 

Gentle

We’re happy to have you come visit, however we ask that you call or text before coming over. Sometimes, it’s just not a good time. 

Dad, please call next time, okay? 

Firm

Dad, I know you came all this way, but we didn’t know you were coming. I’m afraid that we have prior plans and aren’t able to visit with you right now.

Change the locks.

your spouse making a big purchase without consulting you first 

Gentle

I’m upset that you made this decision without consulting me. I don’t feel like we’re on the same team when you do something like this.

Firm

These are our shared financial resources, and I am very angry that you’ve made a significant decision (again) without me. This is absolutely not okay and cannot happen again.

a date groping you without your permission

Gentle (which I almost didn’t include)

Hey, easy. Too much!

No, thank you. 

Please stop. I don’t like that.

Firm

No. 

Stop now.

I’m leaving. 

a friend asking about your marriage problems in front of other people 

Gentle

I’d really rather not talk about that right now. 

Hey, can I just call you later about that?

Firm

I’m not talking about that right now. 

Walking away. 

a boss insisting that you answer his calls after work hours 

Gentle

I apologize, but I’m not available after 5:30. I’m happy to schedule a call with you tomorrow morning.

I am not able to work after 5:30pm.

Sir or Ma’am, due to my family’s needs, I am very intentional about when I am able to work. I’m happy to work out a schedule that works for both of us!

Firm

I do not answer calls past 5:30pm.

If you cannot respect my request to honor my time with my family, I will have to look for another job opportunity.

examples of boundaries that might be too rigid

someone who finds it difficult to connect with others emotionally

emotional boundary might be too rigid, consider relaxing the boundary and being vulnerable with select trustworthy people

familial relationship that has been estranged for years

if the other person appears to be willing, consider what opening small gates in that wall might look like

texts, calls, an occasional conversation at a family function

go slowly

someone who finds themselves “ghosting” or “cutting off” friends or family when they get hurt or offended

relationships involve growth, give, and take

this is an example of a rigid emotional boundary - you hurt me and I’m gone

this approach leads to isolation and protracted emotional immaturity - part of being human is learning that emotional discomfort is part of relationships

no relationship is perfect

enacting boundaries will initiate relational change

there is commonly some tension when new boundaries are put into place

people aren’t used to there being a ‘no’ where a ‘yes’ used to be 

some relationships may be so imbalanced that they do not continue, but typically, healthy relationships adjust and flex to accommodate the new structure

like real fences, boundaries require maintenance

pay attention to your relational health

have you relaxed in some areas and old patterns are creeping back in?

some boundaries might no longer be required

gradually increasing trust in a romantic relationship or friendship, for example

how do I want to treat myself?

how would I treat a friend?

Set goals for yourself.

who do I want to be?

what kind of partner/friend do I want to be? 

how do I want to be able to respond in certain situations? 

After setting goals, map out ways that you can address each area

 

Recap:                   

OBJECTIVE 1 - What are boundaries?

OBJECTIVE 2 - Learn to identify our boundaries and those of others.

OBJECTIVE 3 - Working to establish and maintain boundaries in our relationships.

Call to action: 

You are in control of the way that you relate to others, and you get to decide what kind of behavior you are willing to tolerate. Consider if some well-placed boundaries might inject some life and stability into your most important relationships, and make a plan for how to get there. 

 

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