Stacked Intent
Just wanted to share a little about the Stacked Intent podcast is hosted by Becca Stackhouse-Morson (me), and she’s all about helping you live your best life, no apologies needed. Along with our nutrition episodes co-hosted by Ashleigh Geurin, who has a fantastic background and passion for nutrition education, and our relationship episodes co-hosted by Sarah Bradley, who has a passion to serve the rural community to help improve their relationships.
What can you expect from the Stacked Intent podcast? The podcast raises the bar to another level. We dive deep into topics like healthy relationships, finance, nutrition, and we even explore special topics, all backed by solid research-based information. You're in for a real treat when you tune in.
If you're ready to embark on a journey of intentional living, building unapologetic confidence in yourself, and stacking your life with purpose, give Stacked Intent a listen. It's all about helping you become the best version of yourself.
Stacked Intent is a Family Life Education business, resonating with individuals who aspire to rediscover or discover their most authentic version of themselves. We provide resources to inspire individuals to rediscover or discover their most impactful decisions regarding their relationship with money, time, and energy, contributing to goal setting and decision-making through a comprehensive understanding of self. The opportunity to help just one person in understanding that their whole world is impacted when they have a healthy self-relationship is core and with a background in Family Studies, I aim to provide individuals with a space to embrace their authenticity.
There was a pivotal question asked by my mom that sparked a realization about the need for guidance in fostering healthy relationships. The question she asked, “Why are you easily able to talk about relationships and sex in the County programming you are presenting?” I simply answered her with, "If not me, then who is going to help these teenagers learn how a healthy relationship is possible?" Too often our society beautifies a relationship (i.e. romantic, family, friendship), but doesn’t teach the true meaning and healthy relationship boundaries. This lit my passion to share with individuals through each transition that is truly a possibility to live in understanding that healthy is a possibility when you understand your most authentic version of yourself. From a place of pain of losing friendships, becoming a one directional friendship, or simply those who were temporary along life’s road, it is important to know and practice the keys to create well balanced and healthy relationships. There are relationship break ups and choosing to be single with much self-reflection to the development of the authentic version of self. From all these places Stacked Intent, was created to provide resources through research-based podcasting, courses, workshops, seminars, blogs, and social media posts.
Stacked Intent
What are Boundaries and how can you create them?
Brief Summary of objectives:
- What are boundaries?
- Learn to identify our boundaries and those of others.
- Working to establish and maintain boundaries in our relationships.
Call to action: You are in control of the way that you relate to others, and you get to decide what kind of behavior you are willing to tolerate. Consider if some well-placed boundaries might inject some life and stability into your most important relationships, and make a plan for how to get there.
Thank you for tuning into Stacked Intent to be authentically YOU! Be sure to leave a review and follow us on instagram.
Introduction “Welcome to Stacked Intent, where we discuss and drop tips on how you are going to intentionally stack your life. I’m Becca Stackhouse-Morson – owner of Stacked Intent. Today, we’ll be talking about Boundaries with our co-host, Sarah. Let’s get started!”
Brief Summary of objectives:
OBJECTIVE 1 - What are boundaries?
OBJECTIVE 2 - Learn to identify our boundaries and those of others.
OBJECTIVE 3 - Working to establish and maintain boundaries in our relationships.
Topic 1: What are boundaries?
Boundaries are hard, but necessary.
Healthy boundaries take and require us to have self-awareness. This is finding being in the spaces of hard to be clear with ourselves and passing it to others about expectations in certain areas.
“Good fences make good neighbors”
“Mending Wall” by Robert Frost
…Before I built a wall I’d ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down…
Farmers and ranchers give us a really good way of visualizing boundaries from a plot and land management.
boundaries are markers/lines/fences that we put in place to ensure that our relationships and ourselves are the healthiest they can be
What do boundaries look like?
Boundaries can have two looks and if you lack the ability to have boundaries then you haven’t had the ability to set healthy boundaries and you are going to constantly be at the mercy of others by allowing others to tell you how you should think, act, and feel. This might mean that you are letting others dictate your time and energy.
Signs to look for if you feel as though you are lacking in boundaries can look like:
A relationship is difficult or dramatic
Decision making is challenging
Are always a people pleaser
Guilt and anxiety follow you around
Might always find yourself tired
Always the victim of situations
Now let’s really look at what boundaries look like. Boundaries is a word that has become such a normal part of the common vernacular that many can speak the word without having an in-depth understanding of what it means, what they look like, or how to build some of their own. Boundaries are great when given in a light of expectations, but it can bring an upset feeling to someone who hasn’t had them set before.
Rigid [a paper plate]
hard boundaries as a form of protection/isolation
There are some relationships that you do need a rigid boundary. An example could be an abusive relationship from an ex, parents or friend.
Diffuse [open sieve]
lack of boundaries as a form of currency (if I share this with them, maybe they will…)
permeable [coffee filter]
Keeping things in that should be in our life.
different types of boundaries:
physical - property lines, territorial lines (my car, my clothes, my toys, etc.), personal space/body boundaries
this is one of the easiest to see and define
from a young age, children are aware of the concept of “mine” and “yours”
legal systems built around physical boundaries (state/county lines, country borders, property ownership, etc.)
rigid boundary would be a concrete wall with razor wire on top, a diffuse boundary might have a decorative fence so low that you can easily step over it
can be easy to defend (because its visible)
emotional boundaries
safeguard and differentiate your own emotions and your right to those emotions
what differentiates you from someone else
creates a sense of safety and identity
differentiates between your responsibility over your own emotions/responses and delineates another’s responsibility over their own emotions
in other words, you are responsible for your feelings and emotions, and the other person is responsible for theirs
safeguards against oversharing - rigid boundaries share no vulnerability, diffuse boundaries share too much personal information too quickly
more difficult to defend and identify because it is intangible
examples: I’d rather not discuss this topic with you. I don’t appreciate it when you speak to me this way; if you do not stop, I will leave. (an emotional and physical boundary)
sexual boundaries
protect your right to consent, honest communication regards sexual preferences with a partner, and transparency about a partner’s sexual history and health
rigid boundary allows little to no sexual contact, diffuse boundary allows too much sexual contact too quickly to account for safety and security
examples: I’d rather not be touched like that; I have a policy of not having casual sex with someone.
spiritual boundaries
protect your right to worship, believe, and practice as you wish
examples: saying a silent prayer before a meal, going to church or temple even if your partner does not share your beliefs
time boundaries
protect your right to spend your time in a manner that is the healthiest for you and your family
examples: refusing to take work calls in the evenings, scheduling time with extended family so that the immediate family takes priority; asking/calling before coming over to someone else’s home is honoring of their time boundaries
non-negotiables
abuse, physical or sexual harm, financial freedoms, infidelity, safety, etc.
relational boundaries
boundaries around the relationship
in-laws, work/home balance, outside friendships, etc.
structural hierarchies surrounding the relationship of the way your partner is build.
relationship with partner vs parents or in-laws
time with partner vs friends
children vs partner
Focusing on partner first, children second, and then fall in line of the rest of your relationships.
boundaries within the relationship
sexual preferences, handling of finances, communication with each other, task division within the home, etc.
Where did they come from?
we learned where and when to establish boundaries based on both childhood and adult experiences
you might have strong financial boundaries if your family struggled financially when you were a child
trauma has an impact, as well
sexual and physical boundaries
abuse present, domestic violence, poor attachment, or parent-child conflicts can all contribute to the development of boundaries.
Typically, if someone grew up in a healthy home they might have had flexible boundaries that allowed for each person's own unique interest and skills to develop into healthy boundary setting.
The term boundaries started to become more popular in the 1990s throughout the psychology community as more books and research began to be produced.
Topic 2: Learn to identify our boundaries and those of others.
One of the easiest ways to identify boundaries is to look for them in our own relationships first
A great first question to ask yourself is “Where might I need a boundary?”
a good first step is to begin with a boundary exercise
imagine that you meet an acquaintance at the local coffee shop, and they greet you
how much distance would you want to keep between you?
would you hug? shake hands? nod politely?
what would you talk about? What would you NOT talk about?
now imagine that you meet a close friend at the coffee shop
how much distance would you want to keep between you?
would you hug? shake hands? nod politely?
what would you talk about? What would you NOT talk about?
your answers to those questions start to establish the shape of your boundaries
a polite nod to an acquaintance and a handshake to a friend are examples of different levels of a physical boundary
talking about your sister’s surgery to your friend but not the acquaintance is an example of differing levels of emotional boundary
a second step might be imagining what a boundary violation looks like
imagine that the acquaintance leaned in for a hug when you’d really prefer no physical contact
or the acquaintance talked for 10 minutes in graphic detail about their cousin’s mole removal
that icky feeling? an indicator that a boundary might be being violated!
A third step would be thinking about icky moments that have occurred recently in your relationships. These could be indicators that you have boundaries in place there that were violated.
your mother-in-law frequently asking your spouse to complete tasks/do work for her while your own home tasks are piling up (relational boundary)
your father dropping by the house without calling or asking first (physical boundary)
your spouse making a big purchase without consulting you first (financial and relational boundary)
a date groping you without your permission (sexual and physical boundary)
a friend asking about your marriage problems in front of other people (emotional and relational boundary)
a boss insisting that you answer his calls after work hours (time boundary)
if we go back to the fence’s metaphor, these are areas where there is a gap - some cows have gotten through and are trampling your crops.
Topic 3: Working to establish and maintain boundaries in our relationships.
once you've identified some gaps, now we can talk about what fence installation (and the fences) might look like
examples of boundaries that need tightening
your mother-in-law frequently asking your spouse to complete tasks/do work for her while your own home tasks are piling up
Gentle
We are happy to help you as often as we can. However, we have some things we need to get done at home.
I can’t do that for you this weekend, but I’d be glad to do that sometime later this month.
No, I’m not able to do that right now.
Firm
My family, our time together, and our home take priority over yours, Mom. When you insist on us doing these tasks for you, it creates difficulty for us. I’ve asked you to consider our needs, and your refusal to do so makes me feel as if you don’t consider me or my family’s needs a priority.
your father dropping by the house without calling or asking first
Gentle
We’re happy to have you come visit, however we ask that you call or text before coming over. Sometimes, it’s just not a good time.
Dad, please call next time, okay?
Firm
Dad, I know you came all this way, but we didn’t know you were coming. I’m afraid that we have prior plans and aren’t able to visit with you right now.
Change the locks.
your spouse making a big purchase without consulting you first
Gentle
I’m upset that you made this decision without consulting me. I don’t feel like we’re on the same team when you do something like this.
Firm
These are our shared financial resources, and I am very angry that you’ve made a significant decision (again) without me. This is absolutely not okay and cannot happen again.
a date groping you without your permission
Gentle (which I almost didn’t include)
Hey, easy. Too much!
No, thank you.
Please stop. I don’t like that.
Firm
No.
Stop now.
I’m leaving.
a friend asking about your marriage problems in front of other people
Gentle
I’d really rather not talk about that right now.
Hey, can I just call you later about that?
Firm
I’m not talking about that right now.
Walking away.
a boss insisting that you answer his calls after work hours
Gentle
I apologize, but I’m not available after 5:30. I’m happy to schedule a call with you tomorrow morning.
I am not able to work after 5:30pm.
Sir or Ma’am, due to my family’s needs, I am very intentional about when I am able to work. I’m happy to work out a schedule that works for both of us!
Firm
I do not answer calls past 5:30pm.
If you cannot respect my request to honor my time with my family, I will have to look for another job opportunity.
examples of boundaries that might be too rigid
someone who finds it difficult to connect with others emotionally
emotional boundary might be too rigid, consider relaxing the boundary and being vulnerable with select trustworthy people
familial relationship that has been estranged for years
if the other person appears to be willing, consider what opening small gates in that wall might look like
texts, calls, an occasional conversation at a family function
go slowly
someone who finds themselves “ghosting” or “cutting off” friends or family when they get hurt or offended
relationships involve growth, give, and take
this is an example of a rigid emotional boundary - you hurt me and I’m gone
this approach leads to isolation and protracted emotional immaturity - part of being human is learning that emotional discomfort is part of relationships
no relationship is perfect
enacting boundaries will initiate relational change
there is commonly some tension when new boundaries are put into place
people aren’t used to there being a ‘no’ where a ‘yes’ used to be
some relationships may be so imbalanced that they do not continue, but typically, healthy relationships adjust and flex to accommodate the new structure
like real fences, boundaries require maintenance
pay attention to your relational health
have you relaxed in some areas and old patterns are creeping back in?
some boundaries might no longer be required
gradually increasing trust in a romantic relationship or friendship, for example
how do I want to treat myself?
how would I treat a friend?
Set goals for yourself.
who do I want to be?
what kind of partner/friend do I want to be?
how do I want to be able to respond in certain situations?
After setting goals, map out ways that you can address each area
Recap:
OBJECTIVE 1 - What are boundaries?
OBJECTIVE 2 - Learn to identify our boundaries and those of others.
OBJECTIVE 3 - Working to establish and maintain boundaries in our relationships.
Call to action:
You are in control of the way that you relate to others, and you get to decide what kind of behavior you are willing to tolerate. Consider if some well-placed boundaries might inject some life and stability into your most important relationships, and make a plan for how to get there.
