Ways self-love can turn toxic in relationships:
- Disguising unkindness as "authenticity"
- Avoiding conflict and distress caused to others
- Seeking only positivity (toxic positivity)
- Using self-love as an excuse for unhealthy behaviors
- Stunting personal growth
- Being selfish and disregarding others
- Validating toxic behavior in others
Signs of being in a toxic relationship include feeling unsafe, emotional dependency, unhappiness, walking on eggshells, self-doubt, and inability to express oneself. Watch for behaviors like gaslighting, humiliation, isolation, stonewalling, threatening, blame-shifting in relationships.
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Brief Summary of objectives (3):
- Identify ways that we are toxic to ourselves.
- Identify ways that we are toxic in our relationships.
- Seeking and building practices for healthier attitudes and behaviors.
Topic 1: Identify ways that we are toxic to ourselves.
Refusing to confront our own flaws which can look like:
- “this is who I am and everyone else just needs to deal with it”
- “If you can’t love me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”
- Denying any need to improve ourselves.
- This can look like just wanting to keep doing the same things repeatedly without creating change and believe that something isn’t broken or doesn’t need to be improved. We each are always a work in progress.
- This can be a I know what I know mentality.
- tend to surround ourselves with people who only affirm us and never challenge us
- permanently positive people are not safe outlets for struggles.
- no outlet for negative emotion because there is no tolerance for negative emotion - your own or anyone else’s.
The toxic of yourself relationship can come out in a never-ending cycle when you are making choices that are not good for your overall well-being. It can be created by a cycle of self-doubt or even when you are engaging in harmful choices.
Though when one is not self-aware can come at a total unawareness of what they are doing. Because this is being viewed through that lens of “why is this happening to me?”
- It is lacking the foundational life principle that we co-create what happens to us and that even includes our challenges.
- This is leading to you being able to identify what you are contributing in your own relationship and your part in every relationships.
Toxicity in might come to us at an early life wound that we are not open to healing and working on. This could perhaps come from parents, friends, families, teachers, or others that failed us in some kind of life circumstances and is a pain point in our own toxicity.
Looking through only a negative is pervasive this means you are not letting yourself see any hope or faith in what’s happening through hating the challenges, life and the responsibilities which can lead to you being very angry. This is living in a poison of negativity and toxicity about yourself.
The toxicity on ourselves can really come out when we are focusing only on our flaws:
- constant self-examination
- self-blame
- self-condemnation/recrimination
- a plant that is never watered or given sunlight.
- also, a place of stasis
- vulnerable to relationships with people who affirm what we’re already telling ourselves - that we’re enormously flawed.
- at-risk for abusive and toxic relationships
- Faultfinding is one way you can look at this of that you are only able to act on pointing out the faults which is in turn continual criticism in yourself.
Comparison to others is a dangers game that can lead us down a path of not believing that we are positive about ourselves.
Another places we find toxicity happening is when we are not able in listening to yourself and your own needs with aspects such as:
- Boundaries
- This might come when our boundaries seem to be insufficient, so you are feeling pain and shame at each turn as you are struggling to stand up for yourself.
- Because we do have to remember that boundaries are invisible barriers that do separate us in our own world. Because boundaries are defining who you are and what keeps you safe. Through a well-developed boundary we are able to shield ourselves from behaviors and actions that are going to hurt us in some way.
- As you are trying to assess your needs look at who and what you are allowing to trample over the boundaries you have found to be healthy and are non-negotiables within your life and then you’ll have to begin to speak up but remember it must be done in a kind way.
- Too much responsibility for others/needs
- Don’t take care of your body.
- This can look like not eating balances, sleeping well, exercising, and so much more. Taking care of our body has so much to how we very ourselves overall.
- Listen to others’ opinions of yourself over your own
Constant consumption of self-help culture
- one-size-fits all approach
- risk of applying everyone’s solution to yourself without actually listening to yourself long enough to know what you need
- toxic self-awareness - becoming obsessed with cognitive awareness of an issue without actually being able to apply it in the heat of the moment.
Topic 2: Identify ways that we are toxic in our relationships.
When self-love turns toxic in our relationships (Huffpost)
- when it hurts others
- disguising unkindness as “authenticity”
- when you avoid conflict
- cannot sit with the distress you’ve caused someone else
- when you try to only surround yourself with positivity/toxic positivity
- what happens when your friends have problems and need support?
- When it is an excuse for unhealthy behaviors
- “doing what feels right for you” can lead to avoidance or defense for unhealthy/hurtful behaviors
- when it doesn’t allow room for growth
- self-love is loving yourself where you are while striving to be the best version of yourself you can be
- when it is selfish
- disregard for the feelings and needs of others
- Validating toxic behavior in others
Always needed validation from others or demanding others attention
Not respecting others’ boundaries
The signs we might find ourselves in a toxic relationship are when we aren’t feeling safe, if we have become emotionally dependent on another person, we are unhappy, walking on eggshells around another person, doubting yourself, and not being able to say and do things you wish you could.
Within relationship we might see toxic behaviors and need to be aware of things like:
- Gaslighting – is when you cause someone to question their own sanity, experiences, and reality.
- Humiliating – is a form of harsh criticism or sarcastic jokes
- Isolation – this one can happen overtime as you disconnect from your support system and one day your partner is always giving excuses to why you are missing social events.
- Stonewalling – which is when one shuts down and refuses to communicate.
- Threatening – are usually in direct and intended to cause fear or doubt.
- Blame shift – this is one that when you are upset about something instead of them taking responsibility, they turn it on you. That is making you feel guilty and might look like dismissing your own feelings about something.
Topic 3: Seeking and building practices for healthier attitudes and behaviors.
- actually, get to know yourself
- what are your flaws? strengths? likes? dislikes? needs?
- listen to yourself.
- what are your boundaries? are they being violated?
- what do I truly think about something? a friend’s behavior?
- listen to your thoughts - are they true? are they helpful?
- how do I want to treat myself?
- how would I treat a friend?
- stuck in negative self-talk? (Psych Today)
- Change the channel.
- examine the evidence/lies versus truth.
- play the tape out.
- what would you say to a friend?
- balance of self-improvement and self-acceptance
- Set goals for yourself.
- who do I want to be?
- what kind of partner/friend do I want to be?
- how do I want to be able to respond in certain situations?
- After setting goals, map out ways that you can address each area
- ex: chronically late? why? get up earlier? leave earlier? prioritize, consider others’ perspectives, ex: highly reactive in disagreements? why? develop coping skills, practice being honest with your partner about what you’re going through, etc.
- practice a movement-based application.
- a safety pose - hands over heart, clenched fists, prayer pose, etc.
- attach information and goals to a movement - clenched fists while reading an article about standing up to a friend, for example, then clenching fists during the conversation
- dance or tap out a rhythm to a favorite song
Call to action: You are in control of the way that you talk to yourself. You are in control of the way that you treat others. Get to know yourself and make a plan for how you can balance working to become your best self with loving and accepting yourself for the imperfect human that you are.