Relationship Communication with Self & Others

Brief Summary of objectives :

1. Achieve an understanding of the 3 basic types of communication.
2. Identify negative communication patterns.
3. Increase understanding of the importance of repair attempts and develop a plan for working toward better communication.

Call to action: 

• I challenge you to pause and recognize YOUR communication patterns to be ready for communication within your relationships. 
• Many of us find ourselves frustrated when conversations with our partners seem to devolve into the same old patterns of dead-end conflict. But these patterns don’t have to continue. With a little bit of work, you can identify the person you want to be when times get tough - and your partner can do the same. A little daunting to do on your own? That’s okay! You might consider working with a therapist for a few sessions for a little boost as you get started. Regardless, change is possible, and YOU are capable of making that happen. 

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Transcript

Today, we’ll be talking about Communication.

 Brief Summary of objectives:

• Achieve an understanding of the 3 basic types of communication.
•  Identify negative communication patterns.
•  Increase understanding of the importance of repair attempts and develop a plan for working toward better communication.

Communication is present and relevant for our day to day. As prepared as you are doesn’t mean that a difficult communication scenario that comes right at you 80 miles an hour! This is why it can be very important to be informed about communication and how it affects you, to be prepared occasionally we won’t be prepared. 

Topic 1: Understanding the 3 most basic types of communication. 

• We learn our skills for communication and interacting with others from our parents. This because most children learn by the age of 2 and half around 50 words and can follow two step direction.  
• If you or your partner are saying and doing things that aren’t working for your relationship, odds are they worked for you at some point before - until they didn’t. It’s okay to let go of old habits to build new ones. 
• There are 3 basic types of communication (and one bonus):
  • Passive - voice soft/silent, eyes cast downward, submissive body language, lots of capitulation/agreement.
  • Aggressive - voice hard/loud, intense eye contact, dominant body language, lots of talking over their partner, may include abusive language.
  • Assertive - voice gentle but firm, non-threatening eye contact, engaging/present body language, clear communication with ability to listen to partner, honest.
  • Bonus: Passive-aggressive - at first glance appears passive but will engage in manipulation to accomplish their agenda. Difficult to identify as aggressive but is unhealthy for relationships. Little to no direct communication.

Topic 2: Negative Communication Patterns.

•  Avoiding/withdrawing from conflict
  •  repressing emotions
  •  leaves partner confused and feeling pushed away.
  •  leads to eventual explosions. 
• Anxious/pursuing of conflict
  •  hyperaware of issues in relationship (“picking all the battles”)
  •  leaves partner feeling harassed and exhausted, as if they can do nothing right. 
• The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Negative communication behaviors):
  • Criticism
  • Defensiveness
  • Contempt
  • Stonewalling
• Violence eliminates safety in a relationship and makes it very difficult for trust to be rebuilt.

 
Topic 3: Positive communication strategies and planning for better future communication. 

•  Keep an eye on yourself.
  • if you’re “activated” (your heart rate is up), your brain is no longer fully capable of higher order logic and reason - you start to say things you’ll regret or even find yourself unable to say anything at all.
  •  consider taking a break from the discussion and returning when you’re a bit calmer.
  • take deep breaths
  • count backwards from 10
  • find 3 things in the room that you can see, hear, and physically feel
• When you’ve calmed, ask yourself what you want from the discussion and plan to express that clearly and calmly to your partner. 
• Modulate your tone of voice, listen to your partner without attempting to formulate a response until they’ve finished, express your needs in a loving, respectful manner.
• Plan a discussion with your partner about your communication practices to take place when both of you are levelheaded.
•  Identify instances where you yourself have used one of the 4 Horsemen and brainstorm ways that you could respond better in a similar situation in the future (and partner do the same)
• Brainstorm what you typically each need from the other during a difficult interaction and share with your partner.
• Plan for the length of your timeouts and what the signal for initiating a time-out will be.
• Discuss any boundaries that need to be set or expectations that need to be communicated within the relationship.
• Therapy can be very helpful during this part of the process. A therapist can highlight maladaptive patterns and suggest coping skills, as well as repair strategies. 

Remember: you are not responsible for your partner’s responses! An attempt to control their response is just that - an (futile) attempt to control. All we can do is to do our best and respond to our partner when they communicate in response. 

There are some keys you need to be a convincing communication which are skills you can always work on:

• You must have a sense of self-worth.
• You must be able to plan ahead. This means sometimes you need to deliver an emotion instead of thinking ahead in a delivery. 
• You must have a consideration for the other party’s (rather this is a partnership, friendship, co-worker, or any present friendship in your life) needs.
• Are you able to find the neutral zone. 

Call to action: 

• I challenge you to pause and recognize YOUR communication patterns to be ready for communication within your relationships. 
• Many of us find ourselves frustrated when conversations with our partners seem to devolve into the same old patterns of dead-end conflict. But these patterns don’t have to continue. With a little bit of work, you can identify the person you want to be when times get tough - and your partner can do the same. A little daunting to do on your own? That’s okay! You might consider working with a therapist for a few sessions for a little boost as you get started. Regardless, change is possible, and YOU are capable of making that happen.