Introduction “Today, we’ll be talking about Negative Relationship Behaviors”
Tell us a little bit about you your background and what you are doing.: I’m Sarah Bradley, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Owner of Hope Grows Therapy & Consultation. My practice is located in beautiful downtown Wetumpka, AL. I grew up in rural Alabama, and my passion is investing in my community by investing in its people. At Hope Grows, we seek to do this by working to help people improve the health of their relationships, their families, their businesses, and themselves. In addition to talk therapy, we offer consultation services to organizations like churches and businesses to help them improve their organizational health through workshops, conferences, and intensives. I’m really excited to be here today and looking forward to talking about some of the most common issues that come up in my sessions.
Brief Summary of objectives (3):
- Identify the presence of any negative behaviors in self relationship and your relationships.
- Increase awareness of the impact of negative behaviors in your relationships.
- Deciding ways to plan for reducing negative behaviors and increasing positive ones in your relationships.
Topic 1: Identifying Negative Relational Behaviors
- Patterns are repetitive actions, task, or behaviors that are engaged in frequently, often this happens without our thought.
- Did you know that a lot of our daily behaviors are automatic? This can be good or bad behaviors that are patterns happening automatically.
- These toxic or problem behaviors are ones that are currently or has in the past contributed to a problem at home, work or elsewhere in our lives. But we must identify the negative patterns with in us to see and work on how they are affecting our other relations.
- The fact of the matter is that you we each have a unique personal process and to move forward we must face a fear to overcome our own toxic behaviors. We need to recognize these so that we can move forward in healthy relationship with self to carrying this into our other relationships.
- You must detach, step back, and see your behavior from other eyes.
- Now that you are thinking about your negative patterns, let’s chat about the negative relational behaviors that we might give someone a free pass because we love someone. But we do need to pause and realize there are some patterns we do not want to accept. Because toxic is not only about argue and jealousy it can include so much more that is subtle actions that affect the way you see self and the world.
- Negative relational behaviors can be defined as any behaviors that increase distress and/or diminish wellness within the relationship.
- Absolutely damaging behaviors - there are no redemptive or productive qualities to these behaviors.
- Violence is a behavior involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or harm something or someone.
- There are a few types of violence that can occur for a person it can be physical, sexual, or emotional violence that occurs for a person. There can also be a socio-economic violence of not allowing one partner to have a separate earning or making them work in family business with no pay can be an example.
Criticism: The expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes. It can give the feeling of never doing anything right.
Defensiveness: This can be defined as the behavior to intended to defend or protect.
Contempt: This can be defined as a feeling that a person or a thing is beneath, worthless, or deserving scorn.
Stonewalling: This can be defined as a block by refusing to answer question or by giving evasive replies.
- Others could be jealousy induction, avoidance, spying, infidelity, controlling.
- How do we find them? Look for distress points. Is there anything that your partner does that causes you distress, hurt, or frustration? Is there anything that YOU do that hurts your partner?
- there is not a one-size-fits-all rubric for what behaviors are damaging for relationships. Each relationship (and individual) is unique.
- But there are aspects you should be aware of hurtful patterns to bring to a partner in conversation. But in the same breath you must be willing to evaluate yourself for any of those traits or unhealthy patterns.
- These patterns can be present in friendships, relationships, co-worker, or just think relationships they can be present, and we just have to work on our identification of the negative patterns.
- Differences in communication languages
- We each have a communication pattern we understand the best once you can recognize what your pattern is then you will be able to communicate within your other relationships smoother.
Topic 2: How are these behaviors impacting your relationships?
There is a decreased sense of safety and trust that occurs when negative behaviors are present.
There is an increased sense of distance/decreasing emotional intimacy within a partnership.
You will begin to see a decrease in the positive behaviors that happen in a healthy relationship.
- The resulting cascade for a partnership:
- Decreased quality of sex life.
- Erosion of relational foundation.
- If there are children present, you will see an impact on them.
- The resulting cascade for self:
- Decrease in positive self.
- Emotional triggers that can turn into traumatic wounds.
- Self-blaming
Take a moment to reflect and see if you see any of these ill-effects in one of your relationships.
Now that we’ve identified some of them and their impact on your relationships, it’s important to ask the question - why are these present?
- Baggage from childhood?
- Modeling from parents/guardians?
- Relational past from a partner or self?
- Patterns that were once productive and aren’t productive anymore?
- Previous hurts within this relationship?
Topic 3: Reducing Negative Behaviors and Increasing the Positive
Now that we’ve asked why these behaviors are present, as yourself a follow-up - What are you willing to do about this?
If you are single then work on your negative behaviors and work to recognize what your patterns have been in past relationships, in a friendship, in a partnership, co-worker relationship, sibling relationship, or other relationships that are present within your life.
When you are in a partnership then here are some steps to take!
First step - talk to your partner.
- Set up a good time and date that is a plan for the discussion to work together as a team.
- What do they want to see changed in the relationship? What you want to see change? What are their hurts? What are your hurts?
- What positive behaviors would you/they like more of?
Second step - reflect.
- Both partners reflect individually. This will help you both come back together without the influence of the other person, then you come back together.
- What behaviors are especially hurtful to me? What does my partner do that is difficult for me?
- What behaviors are especially life-giving for me? What makes me feel loved/valued/cherished/respected?
- Understanding your own way of communicating and feeling valued in life will help in communicate to your partner.
Third step – plan.
- Why plan? Because if we do not plan then life’s busyness takes over.
- Have a follow-up discussion. Listen to your partner. Take breaks if the conversation becomes heated (set rules for a time out), setting a time to return to the conversation.
- When you are listening to your partner make sure to pay attention and give your undivided attention to them this will show that you are listening to them. Try to defer from judgement as they are trying to speak back to you with honesty. And be sure with an appropriate response as they are speaking to you.
- Plan regular check-ins to monitor progress and encourage accountability. These conversations also provide a structure and opportunity for potentially difficult conversations to happen in an intentional, healthy way. It could look like setting up the rule that texting is for more fun and light conversations, but heavy topics are happening on the phone or in-person.
- Plan regular opportunities for fun, positive interactions with each other this can look like a date night, game night, movie night, day trips, etc. - make it fun!
Fourth step - Follow through
- We brush our teeth every day. Our relationships take maintenance, too!
Call to action:
- As an individual I challenge you to pause to look at YOU to see if you have negative behaviors that you are able to identify and work on to improve yourself. This way you can transfer this into your partnerships.
- In a partnership: Habits form in relationships just like they do anywhere else. Sometimes, breaking those habits can feel overwhelming and impossible. But change is possible if two partners are willing to do the work. So, take a deep breath, grab your favorite coffee, and make a plan together. You can do this!