92: How to Identify Your Relationship Non-Negotiables and Communicate Them With Confidence

Every healthy relationship has a foundation — and non-negotiables are the backbone of that foundation. In this episode, we explore what relationship non-negotiables are, where they come from, and why being clear on yours is one of the most important things you can do for your relational health. Because knowing your boundaries starts with knowing your values.

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Transcript

Brief Summary of objectives (3):

o   Educate listeners on the importance of identifying and honoring their relationship non-negotiables.

o   Empower individuals to communicate their boundaries effectively in romantic relationships.

o   Equip couples with strategies to navigate conflicts and align their values while respecting non-negotiables.

Topic 1: Foundations of non-negotiables 

o   What is non-negotiable? 

• a boundary or expectation that is absolutely vital to a person
•  often developed because of parental teaching or modeling, life experiences, especially traumas
•  they can be big or small (ex: dishonesty is not tolerated vs. partners should share phone passwords)
• Non-negotiables are not open for discussion or change and they cannot be up for discussion. 

o   the most common non-negotiables in relationships 

• Trust, honestly, Transparency: always tell the truth
  •  specific: we will remain faithful to each other
•  Respect: you will treat me this way and speak to me this way
  • specific: you will not hit/abuse me, you will speak respectfully of me to your friends
•  Shared Values: we share a similar faith/spiritual background, we value family or community, etc.
  •  specific: we will go to church together; we will spend X amount of time out with friends or having people in our home and X amount of time to ourselves
• Views on Kids: do you want children?
  •  specific: kids - yes, or no? I plan to raise my kids this way, educate them that way, teach them these things

o   Why knowing your non-negotiables before entering a relationship matters

•  If you don’t know yourself, how can you communicate these things to your partner? 
• you need to know yourself, your expectations, and what you need before you try to have that conversation with a relationship partner
  •  especially early in relationships, we like to try to please our partners, and we are more likely to “give in” to another’s opinions/needs if we aren’t firmly grounded in our own
• Know your values - what is truly a nonnegotiable for you and what is merely strong preference? 
• The non-negotiables for self-have been to refer to the personal values, boundaries, and habits that you consider essential and will not compromise on. This is important to know before you get into a romantic partnership.
  •  Physical health: this is your regular exercise 
  • Mental health: managing your stress 
  • personal boundaries: respecting your own time and space 
  • continuous learning: seeking knowledge  
  • positive relationships: supporting connection with loved ones 
  •  financial stability: managing your financial responsibility 
  • meaningful work: pursuing a career that helps align a passion  
•  Self-respect is an important impact of having a non-negotiable to help you demonstrate self-worth and respect your own needs 
• Clarity is helpful when you are aligned with your values 
• Resilience can help you with your strong personal boundaries that help you navigate through challenging situations. 

Topic 2: Communicating non-negotiables  

o   Discuss them CLEARLY and discuss them EARLY 

•  the longer you wait, the more painful the outcome might be
•  The principles and expectations that are important in your communication are very important to your sanity. 
• Communication in your non-negotiables are to help with mutual respect, honesty, open-mindedness, effective communication, dealing with conflict directly, and being able to be held accountable. 

o   Tips for discussing non-negotiables early in a relationship

•  “I like you, and I like the idea of our relationship going someplace. There are important to me, and I’m sure you have things that are important to you, too. Can we talk about those?”
•  Drop thoughts in casual conversation (“I dream about doing XYZ with my kids one day,” etc.)
• Be sure you have identified what is important to you, identify the values, and it might be helpful to write your values out to make them visible.  

o   Strategies for navigating tough conversations down the line:

• Using “I-feel” statements to reduce defensiveness
• Set the tone for constructive dialogue by communicating calmly and respectfully
• Listen and explore values behind the opinions - why is this a nonnegotiable for you?
  • a values exploration can determine whether this is truly a nonnegotiable, a strong preference, or even a defensive mechanism that might need to be examined
•  Expect that the conversation might be tough!

Topic 3: Navigating Conflicts Around Non-negotiables 

o   What happens when non-negotiables clash?

•  ouch! 
• back to the values exploration - why is this important to me? To you? Is there room for movement here or not?
• Unexpected clashes can lead to serious hurt in a relationship.
•  Important to remember that clash is inevitable: partners will always find conflict in some area of their relationship, much of which is perennial
  • the nature of the clash is what is important
•  Be sure you come back to some clear communication try to openly create discuss and the early you can have clear communication 
• See if you are able to see the other person's point of view when a clash happens for better understanding. 

o   Tips for identifying whether a compromise is possible or if it’s time to walk away.

•  values exploration
•  How important is this to us? 
•  Am I able to feel safe/content if I compromise on this? Will my partner? 
•  Does this harm me or my family?
• Is it more important for me to stand firm on this or to preserve my relationship? 

o   Always an option to seek professional guidance to resolve value-based conflicts - therapy!

Call to action: Self-knowledge exercise! Identify 2 possible non-negotiables in your relationship (if you’re in one) or in yourself. Ask yourself why each of those non-negotiables is important to you - where did it come from? How important is it to you? Is it valued in your current relationship? How should I communicate this to a partner?