Brief Summary of objectives (3):
o Educate listeners on the importance of identifying and honoring their relationship non-negotiables.
o Empower individuals to communicate their boundaries effectively in romantic relationships.
o Equip couples with strategies to navigate conflicts and align their values while respecting non-negotiables.
Topic 1: Foundations of non-negotiables
o What is non-negotiable?
- a boundary or expectation that is absolutely vital to a person
- often developed because of parental teaching or modeling, life experiences, especially traumas
- they can be big or small (ex: dishonesty is not tolerated vs. partners should share phone passwords)
- Non-negotiables are not open for discussion or change and they cannot be up for discussion.
o the most common non-negotiables in relationships
- Trust, honestly, Transparency: always tell the truth
- specific: we will remain faithful to each other
- Respect: you will treat me this way and speak to me this way
- specific: you will not hit/abuse me, you will speak respectfully of me to your friends
- Shared Values: we share a similar faith/spiritual background, we value family or community, etc.
- specific: we will go to church together; we will spend X amount of time out with friends or having people in our home and X amount of time to ourselves
- Views on Kids: do you want children?
- specific: kids - yes, or no? I plan to raise my kids this way, educate them that way, teach them these things
o Why knowing your non-negotiables before entering a relationship matters
- If you don’t know yourself, how can you communicate these things to your partner?
- you need to know yourself, your expectations, and what you need before you try to have that conversation with a relationship partner
- especially early in relationships, we like to try to please our partners, and we are more likely to “give in” to another’s opinions/needs if we aren’t firmly grounded in our own
- Know your values - what is truly a nonnegotiable for you and what is merely strong preference?
- The non-negotiables for self-have been to refer to the personal values, boundaries, and habits that you consider essential and will not compromise on. This is important to know before you get into a romantic partnership.
- Physical health: this is your regular exercise
- Mental health: managing your stress
- personal boundaries: respecting your own time and space
- continuous learning: seeking knowledge
- positive relationships: supporting connection with loved ones
- financial stability: managing your financial responsibility
- meaningful work: pursuing a career that helps align a passion
- Self-respect is an important impact of having a non-negotiable to help you demonstrate self-worth and respect your own needs
- Clarity is helpful when you are aligned with your values
- Resilience can help you with your strong personal boundaries that help you navigate through challenging situations.
Topic 2: Communicating non-negotiables
o Discuss them CLEARLY and discuss them EARLY
- the longer you wait, the more painful the outcome might be
- The principles and expectations that are important in your communication are very important to your sanity.
- Communication in your non-negotiables are to help with mutual respect, honesty, open-mindedness, effective communication, dealing with conflict directly, and being able to be held accountable.
o Tips for discussing non-negotiables early in a relationship
- “I like you, and I like the idea of our relationship going someplace. There are important to me, and I’m sure you have things that are important to you, too. Can we talk about those?”
- Drop thoughts in casual conversation (“I dream about doing XYZ with my kids one day,” etc.)
- Be sure you have identified what is important to you, identify the values, and it might be helpful to write your values out to make them visible.
o Strategies for navigating tough conversations down the line:
- Using “I-feel” statements to reduce defensiveness
- Set the tone for constructive dialogue by communicating calmly and respectfully
- Listen and explore values behind the opinions - why is this a nonnegotiable for you?
- a values exploration can determine whether this is truly a nonnegotiable, a strong preference, or even a defensive mechanism that might need to be examined
- Expect that the conversation might be tough!
Topic 3: Navigating Conflicts Around Non-negotiables
o What happens when non-negotiables clash?
- ouch!
- back to the values exploration - why is this important to me? To you? Is there room for movement here or not?
- Unexpected clashes can lead to serious hurt in a relationship.
- Important to remember that clash is inevitable: partners will always find conflict in some area of their relationship, much of which is perennial
- the nature of the clash is what is important
- Be sure you come back to some clear communication try to openly create discuss and the early you can have clear communication
- See if you are able to see the other person's point of view when a clash happens for better understanding.
o Tips for identifying whether a compromise is possible or if it’s time to walk away.
- values exploration
- How important is this to us?
- Am I able to feel safe/content if I compromise on this? Will my partner?
- Does this harm me or my family?
- Is it more important for me to stand firm on this or to preserve my relationship?
o Always an option to seek professional guidance to resolve value-based conflicts - therapy!
Call to action: Self-knowledge exercise! Identify 2 possible non-negotiables in your relationship (if you’re in one) or in yourself. Ask yourself why each of those non-negotiables is important to you - where did it come from? How important is it to you? Is it valued in your current relationship? How should I communicate this to a partner?
