54: How to Navigate Relationship Conflict and Repair Your Connection After Arguments

Conflict in relationships is inevitable — but how you handle it determines whether it brings you closer or pushes you apart. In this episode, we explore the anatomy of relationship conflict, why repair is so essential, and what it actually looks like to come back together after a hard conversation and make the relationship stronger for it.

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Transcript

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Topic 1: Normalize conflict within a healthy relationship, Review the pursuer/withdrawer roles and 4 Horsemen of a negative communication behavior.  

•  Conflict is normal for healthy relationships. 
  • Apathy is more concerning than conflict because it shows up when conflict is avoided. This can be when one partner just simple stops caring about their partner, an issue, or fixing it. 
  • however, “too much” conflict is a sign that all may not be well.
  • There is a place for constructive conflict management within your partnerships this is beginning to develop the soften startup, accept influence, make effective repairs during conflict, de-escalation, psychological soothing of self and partner, and compromise. These are not skills you will learn overnight but take time to effectively build skills. 
  • When facing conflict try to stay aware from the blame game. 
• Avoiding/withdrawing from conflict
  • repressing emotions
  •  leaves partner confused and feeling pushed away
  •   leads to eventual explosions
  • they deliberately ignore or withdraw from a conflict rather than face it.  
• Anxious/pursuing of conflict
  • hyperaware of issues in relationship (“picking all the battles”)
  •  leaves partner feeling harassed and exhausted, as if they can do nothing right
• The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Negative communication behaviors):
  •  Criticism: This form of judgement or proclamation about your partner that is extreme with absolute terms. This can be using the words “never” and” always.”
  • Defensiveness: Arises when an individual feels criticized or attacked by their partner. This could be deflecting or not taking responsibility. 
  • Contempt: This can be the contempt of treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, condescension, or ridicule. 
  •  Stonewalling: This means you are putting up a wall between you and your partner by withdrawing, shutting down, and a physical or emotional dictation from your partner. 
  •  Couples who exhibited the 4 Horsemen divorced an average of 5.6 years after their wedding.
  • When you are in a conflict with your partner or other relationships in your life then you want to try and avoid these “four horsemen,” but if you slip up do not be too hard on yourself. These are habits that might take a minute to change. 
    • Violence eliminates safety in a relationship and makes it very difficult for trust to be rebuilt. 
    • If you find yourself in a conflict with your partner, then take note of how things went. 

 Topic 2: Strategies for managing conflict.

• One strategy that can be used to help your relationship conflict – can be evaluating at least once a month. Conflicts that you have had in your month with your partner, self, co-workers, siblings, parents, and other to see if you have any patterns. 
• Be sure that when you are in conflict with your partner or anyone for that matter that you are using “I” statements instead of “You” statements. When you use an “I” you will come across less likely to seem as though you are critical and presenting more of you. Remember that you need to be polite and respectful in presenting to your partner. 
•  This could look like taking a - Time outs
  • This is a designate a time you and your partner decided to be spent apart, lowering heart rate, and calming your mind.
  • Make sure that you and your partner to be specific in time allowed (30 minutes, 45 minutes, etc.) and ask explicitly for more time if necessary.
  • In a time out you are wanting to have at least 30 minutes, but you do not really want it to last more than 24 hours. 
  • Be sure to come back at the time that you and your partner agreed-upon. 
  • This is healthy for both pursuers and withdrawers conflict styles. 
•  Using active listening skills help limiting conflict, because we are listening to listen not just listening to respond. 
• Coping skills for managing your activation level:
  • 3-5 slow, deep breaths
  • triangle breaths - 4 seconds inhale, 4 seconds holding, 4 seconds’ exhale.
  • 3 Things
  •  3 things you can see in the room, 3 things you can hear, 3 things you can physically feel
  • Modified loving kindness meditation.
  • 3-5 deep breaths
  • picture a treasured memory of your partner during a good moment
  • focus on that memory for 30-60 seconds
  •  let the memory return to the vault of your mind and continue to breathe deeply
  • after calming heart rate, ask yourself what you really want from this interaction (to be heard? To be understood? To be agreed with?) and why ask yourself if what you want is realistic. if not, why is it so important to you?
• how can you communicate what you want or need to your partner?
• Be sure to listen to what they need in return. When you come back and have conversation you and your partner are able keep in mind what the other needs the next time something arises. 

Topic 3: Seeking and Building Practices for Repair

•  What is repair?
  •  You might even need to repair a self-relationship by ending behaviors and getting back in touch with your emotions. 
  • Repair is a mending of the relationship bond between you and your partner.
  • repair doesn’t mean agreement; it means acknowledging that your relationship is more important to you than your desire to be right. 
  •  That being said, it’s important to pay attention to what the rupture is telling us about our boundaries and needs. Is there a need that isn’t being met? And unrelated personal issue that is being projected into this relationship? 
  • If a boundary needs to be set or an expectation expressed, it’s important to do that - lovingly and respectfully - as part of the rupture recovery process. Listen to your partner as they do the same.
• Repair attempts - know your partner (or relationship you are repairing) and what works best for them.

• Sometimes we follow all the rules, and both partners still end up hurt.
• Hearing hard truths still hurts. It stinks. It’s also very normal.
• The temptation to become defensive or offensive is common but damaging to the repair attempt and should be avoided.
• It can be hard to accept bids for repair/connection and hard to make your own in return, but both make it easier to recover from a rupture. And when both partners are working toward a repair from a conflict. 
•  Recognize that feelings get hurt, and we have to take responsibility for our part in the rupture.
• Be gentle with yourself and your partner during this part of the process. Repair is hard and can be painful and scary at first!
• Repair after conflict isn’t enough to achieve change - your friendship needs to be nourished.
• If you spend all your time in conflict or conflict recovery, you might never feel like you get enough of a break to breathe!
• You need positive interactions to counteract the power of the negative interactions. It takes five positive deposits in your bank to one negative interaction for our relationship interactions this is your relational bank account. 

• Plan activities with your partner that nourish your friendship! 

• Troubleshooting

  Recap:

OBJECTIVE 1 - Normalize conflict and review pursuer/withdrawer roles. Review 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 

OBJECTIVE 2 - Develop strategies for managing conflict.

OBJECTIVE 3 - Seeking and building practices for repair and nourishing your friendship.

Call to action: 

 Conflict is normal in healthy relationships! Managing conflict can be very helpful in allowing your relationship the chance to grow moving forward. However, just managing conflict isn’t enough - you need to devote resources toward growing your friendship. What draws and binds you together? What builds you up? Add some capital into your relational bank account and watch it start to grow! Pick 3 things that you can do today to start building your friendship with your partner and encourage them to do the same.